Testimony

From the day I was conceived I had a very strong christian woman praying for my future. There is no doubt in my mind I would not be where I am today if it were not for my grandmother's influence, support and prayers. I did not grow up in a christian home. Our home like many was filled with hate, insecurity, selfishness and abuse, the likes of which continued into my own personal young adult life.

My grandmother was the only source of spirituality and stability. From the day I was born she would teach me of God and what Jesus did to save us from our sins. She was always singing hymns, reading her Bible and bringing my sister and I to church. Her faith was clear, straightforward and strong in both word and action despite her own hard and difficult life. I to my shame was a big source of stress and difficulty for her as I continually took advantage of her trust, hospitality and giving nature for my own personal selfishness.

I remember the day I trusted Christ as my savior, I was 10 years old and was with my Aunt, celebrating Canada Day. We were driving back to my grandmother's house and I asked my Aunt what hell was like. She told me, matter of factly and I began to ponder. I imagined myself there and began to cry uncontrollably understanding that I was going there. I cried the entire way back, about 20 minutes, I just couldn't stop. When we got back my grandmother asked what was wrong and I told her I don't want to go to hell. She asked me some questions about what I understood and then led me to the Lord. Whenever I have doubt I look back at that day which is as clear today as it was 23 years ago.

I wish that I could say that my life has been a picture of Christian virtue and morality since then but that is simply not the case. As I said, I grew up in a pretty insecure home. I grew up with influences of addiction, adultery, verbal and emotional abuse and unstable living conditions while we moved around from place to place like a family of gypsies. I was continually uprooted and replanted, never giving me an opportunity to grow. I grew up believing that I was never going to amount to much, so I came to the conclusion that there is no point in trying, which translated into laziness, carelessness and selfishness which infiltrated my relationships and professional life.

A complete turn from Christianity occurred in high school in which trust was betrayed by people I thought were my friends, which happened at the same time as some very difficult and trying times at home. I became bitter and angry at God and vowed to myself I would never allow anything like that to happen to me again. I put up the walls of protection around myself and kept people at arms length, while beginning to, little by little, shut out God. I went to college and all the things for which I thought I missed out on in high school, I dove into with open arms. I became addicted to the party life, I wanted to experience it all. It started with drinking, on my 19th birthday I got drunk for the first time and didn't look back. It was only natural that the next rung down the ladder was drugs, it was within the year I tried marijuana for the first time, though it wasn't a big part of my college experience it would eventually become a bigger part of my life.

I graduated college and that's when my life went into such a downward spiral that it makes my head spin how swift it all happened. With increased drinking, drug use, cigarettes and becoming sexually active within a span of 4 years I left a trail of destruction that it is only by the grace of God that I managed to survive at all. Moving from job to job and place to place, taking advantage of friends and family, burning bridges and destroying trust and lives of those I never intended to hurt, of which, even to this day, I feel the effects of. I have many regrets, chief among those would be introducing drugs to my cousin, which nearly destroyed his life, which even while it was happening I had the deepest of remorse.

Through all of this, even though I fought against Him at every turn, God was there, always there, through circumstances, people who were brought into my life and my grandmother, who despite how she was mistreated and used, never gave up on me. There was no escape. I was miserable because the thing that was front and foremost on my mind was the knowledge of what I was doing was wrong, who I was hurting and how. I wanted to stop so bad but the pull of my selfish desires was so strong and I was so weak. I never did tell anyone my struggle, all they saw was my actions, which were heinous. They never knew the inner struggle which plagued my every thought.

It wasn't for 5 years, 2000 to 2005, that I finally came to the end. I knew I couldn't continue down this path as I was faced with a crucial decision which would set the course of the rest of my life. I was heading for life on the streets and that's no exaggeration. That's when I finally reached out to God, who was continually reaching out to me. I didn't know what to do so I called out in a verbal prayer to God while walking the streets, "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, I don't care what it is! Just tell me what to do!" It was at that moment my grandmother was brought to my mind with the overwhelming desire to tell her everything about my struggle, so I did. That phone call changed my life forever.

Foresaking my old life I left my home town to visit with my Uncle who is a Baptist Pastor in International Falls, MN. While there I decided to stay, met and married a girl in his church and immigrated to the US. I now have 2 children and one on the way, I own my own home and have had the same job for time unimaginable lol. The Christian life has brought many trials while I continue, even to this day, struggle with temptations of my old life and it's not always easy but I know and firmly believe that with God's mercy, grace and strength every day, even though sometimes I may fail, I will prevail.